Life and Death

Some times, grief swallows us whole. Takes us into its belly and drowns us. It takes every ounce of strength we have to fight our way out, swim against the waters and make it back to shore. 

And when we do, we'll stand up, brush the sand off and carry on. Changed, but the same. 

We lost Grandma Lana last week, and it was rough. She was such a natural, spiritual light that I know I hadn't appreciated nearly enough in the short time I knew her. We all take this time for granted, thinking "there's always tomorrow." Well, there's not. We aren't promised any time. The thing that makes me feel grateful for the time I had, is that I know its not the end. I know, in my heart, we will see each other in heaven. It will be as if we'd never had to say goodbye to such an amazing, loving person. Our hearts will be full and content.

Until then, we are going to continue to live. And maybe, be a little bit more like Lana. More loving, more giving. To enjoy the little things more. To smile just to brighten up the day. And to pray for those who need it. 

Dreams.

My dreams have always been very vivid. And very ridiculous. Once, I had a dream that my step father was trying to kill me and he was a vampire. I killed him with garlic salt. Trust me, I wish I was kidding. But I'm just not.

So a few weeks ago, I had a REALLY strange dream that my friend Jenn asked me to blog about. Because she was involved and maybe because it was freaking ridiculous. So here ya go, have a laugh.


It's the middle of the night. We are all sleeping. All the sudden there are lights flashing in our windows and noises of aircrafts outside. A foreign language is being yelled through a speaker. I rush to get my girls out of bed and we huddle in the living room. Then I glimpse a helicopter through the window. I realize who it is the second bullets tear through the air in to my home. Bob comes running in as I shout "The North Koreans are here for us!" He grabs a gun and starts shooting back. I'm trying to calmly get the girls and I some things together while dodging bullets left and right. As soon as it starts, it ends. So I grab the phone and dial my good friend Jenn. She answers on the first ring and tells me to come on over, the Koreans will never think to look there. We gather our things and quietly exit the door as the sun is coming up. We walk and walk and eventually come to a large parking lot. There are several cars parked. We notice one of them has a couple in it. Awake. And watching us. We cross in front of the vehicle cautiously as I hear an old Taking Back Sunday song softly from their car speakers, a signal we are on the same side. As we head around to the other side of the parking lot we pass a dumpster filled with deactivated storm troopers. Slowly we single file towards the tall building at the end of lot. We make our way up the elevator to Jenn's floor (very high up) and I go to open the door. James, her husband stares at me and closes the door. I notice he has a very detailed beard (which is obviously strange because that man has a baby face!) and I ponder this as we open the correct door. Jenn yells, "Come in!" and we file into the kitchen, where Jenn is currently making and canning peach jam.


Then I woke up and thought "What the mother fuck." and texted Jenn to tell her. Hahaha. See? WHAT THE.

Repeating Chameleon.

Just an idea I'm thinking about. I have two sort of strong ideas right now, constantly in my head. Back and forth which do I go with first? The bigger problem is that I haven't done more than think about either one in quite some time. I haven't made time for writing because, everything else is taking up my time. EXCUSES. I'm good at that.

But seriously, going to the ER will do that to you. It put me out of commission for at least a week and once that happens, its easy to go back to not doing anything. 

The only thing that's different with my life right now is that I can't eat meat/fat with out feeling like I'm going to keel over and die from abdominal pain. That and the fact that I'm constantly second guessing myself. Oh wait, that's the same. Sometimes anxiety never changes and thing never change.

There's that idea again. Change.

Tick tock!

I've seriously sat down to write this entry THREE times and have been more busy today than ever.


Which, I don't understand because its Friday and usually that involves a whole lot of nothing for me.


It's just been one of those days for me. Go go go.

Delilah had her first parent teacher conference today, and I was happy with the outcome. The only real issue she spoke of is Delilah's aversion to being corrected. She prefers to be right. Haha. If this is a preview for the next 15 years of her life, I'll have enough material for several books.


Chloe is potty training nicely! Today is the first day she's had *knock on wood* no accidents.

There's probably more I could talk about, deeper stuff. But I just don't have the damn time.

Also....I am trying to do grateful pics, but my phone is lame and doesn't like to upload them nicely. Hence the minimal writing with said pics..

Now, I'm off to do what I do best. Read and cook. :)

Lazy weekend.

It's So Nice to sit And relax with her.

This.

365 grateful

Whilst on the great book of face this morning, I saw this:
http://www.upworthy.com/you-take-zillions-of-photos-with-your-cellphone-why-not-try-something-new-with-them


And I watched it. And I thought that it sounded like a good idea. I'm not sure I'll do it everyday. Because...I'm me. But I want to at least try. Here's my first attempt.

This picture is a little over a year old. But our computer crashed and I don't know where the hard drive is...So today I'm thankful for my family. Those girls, that guy. Just. They are pretty much everything.