Write, right?

This year for mother's day, I received so many presents. Delilah's school did a very cute presentation (yes, I teared up) and I got her hand prints and a flower. Bob gave me a $25 barnes and noble gift card and a new journal. I'm so happy he got me the journal. I've had several notebooks through out the years and never really used them for what I intend to. There's always another list to be made or directions to write down or recipes to copy.

So in the last week I've written twice. Nothing of substantial story material, but I'm getting there. Sometimes there's nothing like the feel of a new journal and pen.

I've also been quite productive on my pinterest boards, haha. I rearranged our room last night and can't wait to start doing the pinterest crafts to make it more homey. Sometimes you just need a change!

Daily adventures of not having a gall bladder

Last I wrote, I was doing the whole30 challenge. I completed it! I felt good about what I did, but really didn't feel any awesome effects from it. And I didn't lose that much weight, however a few of my friends (who did the challenge) think it has something to do with my gall bladder. Back in January I had a major malfunction, which was apparently my first ever gall bladder attack. And after 3 months of pain and anguish, they finally yanked that sucker out.

I should mention, part of the pain and anguish was my own doing. I really didn't want to get my gall bladder taken out if I didn't need it to be done. So after the scan showing my little gb was only functioning at 2%, it was decided that I needed it out.

However, I'd like to know WHY it went bad. The doctor was kind of a jerk about the whole thing. I explained to him that I'd been low fat for quite some time, and it puzzled me that my gall bladder had gone "bad". He really didn't care.

But I do. I want to know why I am not losing weight. I want to know why it went bad. You only have one body (okay, most people only have one body. If you believe in reincarnation, disregard) and I want to know why it decided to give up on a vital organ.

I am going to start looking into this more. In between watching Sailor Moon videos on youtube, anyway.

So far I haven't really eaten anything other than soup, but I'm not yet a week post op and frankly, I don't really want the side effects I've been warned about.

And also.

Today is also day 2 of my whole30 journey. I have always struggled with my weight. I was pretty much always a little fluffy. I used to say "Oh I was a chubby kid." But now that I've grown up a little, I see that I wasn't all that chubby. I was just, not skinny. And that's okay. Honestly, I wouldn't mind being in my "fat" phase after high school again.

What's not okay is how much I love sugar. And carbs. Oh the carbs! Delicious.

Not that good for you. So the last few months, I had really taken a look at what I was eating. I went for the "healthy" carbs. I would have the greek yogurt. I made everything from scratch. Eliminated so many preservatives. And I still wasn't losing any weight.

Then I had a gall bladder attack. Oh boy, that wasn't fun at all. So after that, I had realized meat was a big trigger. So I avoided meat for almost two months. I would eat some here and there. And at first, I was losing. Then it kind of stalled. The number would go up and down, again. One day, I had lost. Five days later, I was right back where I started. I know that most people fluctuate. And that's okay. But its not okay to fluctuate where I'm currently at. So my good friend (more like sister), Jenn, had told me about this "whole 30" thing she was doing. And I told her straight up that I wouldn't be able to do it. I think I even said "But I love milk too much!" And I'm pretty sure her insightful response was something along the lines of, "You'd be surprised at what you CAN do for your health!" Then I checked the book, It Starts With Food, out from the library. At first I skipped around reading this rule or that. And then I sat down and REALLY read the book. And wow. So much information! What really got me was, my typical day was some one who had been eating "healthy" but not a whole30 day. And it said, do you struggle weight loss? Sleep? Staying focused? I realized then that I was sold and needed to try it. I'm stuck in a rut with my body. I need to change something. The more I read, the more I talked about it, the more excited I became. My husband recently found out he has arthritis in his back. One thing that whole30 helps. He was getting excited.

I know its only day 2, but I'm still feeling confident in this decision. There will be times where I will question my ability to say "no" to certain food. I know this. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. I'm hopeful that this will stick with me. I know Rome wasn't built in a day and I won't lose everything I want to in a month. But this is about more than that. I'm more concerned with my overall health than just getting rid of the pounds.

In short, if you see me trying to sneak chocolate in the next 30 days, feel free to give me a talking to.

REMEMBER BONNIE. Fighting cancer is hard. Kicking heroin is hard. But going on a restricted diet for 30 days? Not that hard.

National Autism Day

Today is National Autism Awareness day. My kids, do not have autism. No one in my immediate family is on the spectrum. However, I do know several people with children/relatives on the spectrum. The causes are unknown.

But what I do know, is that there are moms out there who need support. They don't want to hear "I'm sorry" because they aren't. They don't want to asked "How do you do it?" because they just do. Autism is a part of their children's lives, and it makes them who they are. They aren't perfect, no one is. But the day to day isn't always easy, and it isn't always hard. I sometimes feel like I don't say the "right" thing, and its so easy to offend people these days, so please, if you are reading this and I get it wrong, that's not my intention. I hope that maybe viewing some of the blogs that you'll at least get a better appreciation for these moms who let their kids be who they are with out judgement and without trying to mold their kids to fit something they aren't. I hope that maybe, if your friends choose to vent to you about their child's struggles, you'll just listen and allow them to get it out. No need to find answers, just to be an ear for them.

This blog will take you my friend Kristy's blog. I have known her for seven years! Granted, it was through an online community for pregnancy, but she's still someone I have admired through out the years. She and a few others have really become more than just "internet" friends. She's been through a lot. She works so hard. I'm blessed to see this all the time in her face book posts and messages. She's a mom, like I am, trying her best, like the rest of us.

http://www.kristinewyllys.com/2014/04/throwing-open-curtains-and-stimming.html?spref=fb

Life and Death

Some times, grief swallows us whole. Takes us into its belly and drowns us. It takes every ounce of strength we have to fight our way out, swim against the waters and make it back to shore. 

And when we do, we'll stand up, brush the sand off and carry on. Changed, but the same. 

We lost Grandma Lana last week, and it was rough. She was such a natural, spiritual light that I know I hadn't appreciated nearly enough in the short time I knew her. We all take this time for granted, thinking "there's always tomorrow." Well, there's not. We aren't promised any time. The thing that makes me feel grateful for the time I had, is that I know its not the end. I know, in my heart, we will see each other in heaven. It will be as if we'd never had to say goodbye to such an amazing, loving person. Our hearts will be full and content.

Until then, we are going to continue to live. And maybe, be a little bit more like Lana. More loving, more giving. To enjoy the little things more. To smile just to brighten up the day. And to pray for those who need it. 

Dreams.

My dreams have always been very vivid. And very ridiculous. Once, I had a dream that my step father was trying to kill me and he was a vampire. I killed him with garlic salt. Trust me, I wish I was kidding. But I'm just not.

So a few weeks ago, I had a REALLY strange dream that my friend Jenn asked me to blog about. Because she was involved and maybe because it was freaking ridiculous. So here ya go, have a laugh.


It's the middle of the night. We are all sleeping. All the sudden there are lights flashing in our windows and noises of aircrafts outside. A foreign language is being yelled through a speaker. I rush to get my girls out of bed and we huddle in the living room. Then I glimpse a helicopter through the window. I realize who it is the second bullets tear through the air in to my home. Bob comes running in as I shout "The North Koreans are here for us!" He grabs a gun and starts shooting back. I'm trying to calmly get the girls and I some things together while dodging bullets left and right. As soon as it starts, it ends. So I grab the phone and dial my good friend Jenn. She answers on the first ring and tells me to come on over, the Koreans will never think to look there. We gather our things and quietly exit the door as the sun is coming up. We walk and walk and eventually come to a large parking lot. There are several cars parked. We notice one of them has a couple in it. Awake. And watching us. We cross in front of the vehicle cautiously as I hear an old Taking Back Sunday song softly from their car speakers, a signal we are on the same side. As we head around to the other side of the parking lot we pass a dumpster filled with deactivated storm troopers. Slowly we single file towards the tall building at the end of lot. We make our way up the elevator to Jenn's floor (very high up) and I go to open the door. James, her husband stares at me and closes the door. I notice he has a very detailed beard (which is obviously strange because that man has a baby face!) and I ponder this as we open the correct door. Jenn yells, "Come in!" and we file into the kitchen, where Jenn is currently making and canning peach jam.


Then I woke up and thought "What the mother fuck." and texted Jenn to tell her. Hahaha. See? WHAT THE.

Repeating Chameleon.

Just an idea I'm thinking about. I have two sort of strong ideas right now, constantly in my head. Back and forth which do I go with first? The bigger problem is that I haven't done more than think about either one in quite some time. I haven't made time for writing because, everything else is taking up my time. EXCUSES. I'm good at that.

But seriously, going to the ER will do that to you. It put me out of commission for at least a week and once that happens, its easy to go back to not doing anything. 

The only thing that's different with my life right now is that I can't eat meat/fat with out feeling like I'm going to keel over and die from abdominal pain. That and the fact that I'm constantly second guessing myself. Oh wait, that's the same. Sometimes anxiety never changes and thing never change.

There's that idea again. Change.

Tick tock!

I've seriously sat down to write this entry THREE times and have been more busy today than ever.


Which, I don't understand because its Friday and usually that involves a whole lot of nothing for me.


It's just been one of those days for me. Go go go.

Delilah had her first parent teacher conference today, and I was happy with the outcome. The only real issue she spoke of is Delilah's aversion to being corrected. She prefers to be right. Haha. If this is a preview for the next 15 years of her life, I'll have enough material for several books.


Chloe is potty training nicely! Today is the first day she's had *knock on wood* no accidents.

There's probably more I could talk about, deeper stuff. But I just don't have the damn time.

Also....I am trying to do grateful pics, but my phone is lame and doesn't like to upload them nicely. Hence the minimal writing with said pics..

Now, I'm off to do what I do best. Read and cook. :)

Lazy weekend.

It's So Nice to sit And relax with her.

This.

365 grateful

Whilst on the great book of face this morning, I saw this:
http://www.upworthy.com/you-take-zillions-of-photos-with-your-cellphone-why-not-try-something-new-with-them


And I watched it. And I thought that it sounded like a good idea. I'm not sure I'll do it everyday. Because...I'm me. But I want to at least try. Here's my first attempt.

This picture is a little over a year old. But our computer crashed and I don't know where the hard drive is...So today I'm thankful for my family. Those girls, that guy. Just. They are pretty much everything.

New Year bruhahaha

This last year has been an interesting one to say the least. It wasn't the hardest year I've seen, nor was it the easiest. I felt like there were several situations that were out of my control, that I tried very hard to be in control of, if that makes sense.

I had to learn to let go of things. People, feelings. That type of thing. I also realized that I was holding on to some of the wrong people and feelings. I have always had a bit of anxiety. But this year it sort of...got out of control. I know I will never be a stress free person. But I think this year has taught me more about looking at the bigger picture than the right now. There's always something on the other side. There's always going to be people that care and people that don't. 

I started writing again. Maybe not big news to some, but big enough for me. I wrote probably half of a novel before I got stuck. And maybe I won't finish my story of April. Maybe I will. But the good news is once you release that creativity, it flows. I have all these ideas in my head. Maybe crappy, maybe amazing. But the ideas are in there, floating around, ready to be made in to something.

We moved all the way across the country! It was an overdue thing, in my mind. I love moving. Starting over. Change. I think that's part of the reason I don't finish things. I move on too quickly to the next thing to settle in and actually finish.

I started running! And then I crashed and burned...and stopped running. I plan on doing something eventually. I just need to actually do it, which is easier said than done when your kids always need something and you're always tired and you have 800 excuses to NOT do anything.

I'm not the type to make resolutions, because I always have felt like that puts too much pressure on life.

But I am going to try harder.

Harder to be the mom I want to be.

I'm going to try to write at least a short story once a week.

I'm going to finish the damn Outlander series (Right Jenn?!).

I'm giving up soda with Tiffany.

I want to start daily devotionals with my kids. 

I want to do more for me. Even writing that, I feel selfish. I do. If it weren't up to my sanity, I'd probably say "Screw it!" and continue to never do anything for myself, ever. But I feel like I'm at that point in my life where you really see that things like this matter. How can I be a better wife and mother if I'm not respecting myself enough to take care of me? I like to think I do a lot for others. And I will continue to. That's just who I am. But if I need a break, I need a break. 

Here's to the new year and to a new effort!